Thursday, December 14, 2017

Taking a Breath and Reflecting on Autumn Quarter of my Senior Year



When I started this school year, I had high ambitions of surviving my busy schedule. I've been working two part time jobs, averaging about 35 hours per week, plus a full class schedule of 15 hours, and have been trying to keep up with all my homework. I thought this schedule would be fine, and I have survived it, but I didn't thrive as much as I could've.

Mad props to all the hustlers out there, because that shit is exhausting.

I haven't gotten nearly enough sleep this quarter, I haven't been able to workout everyday like I have for the last two years, and I'm lucky if I remember to eat lunch. Having this crazy busy schedule has taught me a lot of discipline, and although I tried to make time to stay creative and have an outlet, it was hard to justify sitting around reading for pleasure when I had probably one hundred pages of reading due for a class the next day.

That guilt pushed me to try and finish all that I could and sacrifice a lot of sleep to do so. Sure, I left papers to finish right before the deadline, but in total I feel pretty proud that I kept on top of my school work even better than quarters where I had a lot more free time. My bullet journal saved me, as well as leaving sticky notes  e v e r y w h e r e  to make sure I didn't forget anything.

Along with my busy quarter came more stress than I've dealt with probably ever. I had crap with my family, dealt with the craziest situation of someone copying my apartment key, and much, much more. I didn't give myself a chance to sit down and think through all of that stress and just feel because if I did, I'm afraid I never would've gotten up.

I struggled through this quarter, and I'm not ashamed to say it, because I came out in the end. I just turned in my final paper for the quarter, and have finished all my tests, but I still have a couple days of work left. The light at the end of the tunnel is brighter, though.

I don't want this to sound like I'm complaining about how hard my life is because there are people out there with much, much harder lives. The point of this post is to reflect on this time in my life, and to somehow start to work through the emotion that I've put in a neat little box in the back of my head. My mental health has struggled this quarter, and I feel like a slightly faded version of who I was six months ago, but that's okay.

We all struggle at some point in our lives, and I don't want to hide from that. I know I should go and talk to someone about my mental health, and I'm hoping that's something I have the courage to do next quarter.

I've retreated into myself to get through autumn quarter, but I'm also grateful for the people in my life who have stuck with me through this time. My boyfriend was my lifeline and the person who talked me through various panic attacks and times of just absolute blinding stress.

I let myself fall behind on my blog and my YouTube channel, something I absolutely hated doing, because it's such a huge source of creativity and happiness in my life. With that I took more of a break from social media, which in retrospect has probably been good for me.

I'm not sure how exactly I got through this quarter, but the truth is my blood is probably 75% coffee right now, and I think the desire to just cuddle with my dogs over winter break is one of the main things keeping me going at this point.

Next quarter I'm cutting down on my commitments and will hopefully have more time to do the things I love, like post on my blog and make videos.

For now, here's a photo of my little Christmas tree :)


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